


Sweet Carols, Distant Bells

by thebluesweater



Series: even though we ain't got money, i'm so inlove with you honey [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christmas, Drama & Romance, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-11 21:45:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16860850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebluesweater/pseuds/thebluesweater
Summary: “Let’s get married.”Jeno dropped the fake poinsettia that he was fumbling with to the floor as soon as he heard Renjun blurt out the words.





	Sweet Carols, Distant Bells

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta-ed bec this suddenly just came to me and i wrote it out of a whim.
> 
> s/o to c because she's always there when i need someone to cry to over my shitty, unorganized ideas.
> 
> please enjoy!

“Let’s get married.” 

Jeno dropped the fake poinsettia that he was fumbling with to the floor as soon as he heard Renjun blurt out the words.

Well, Jeno wasn’t sure if he heard his boyfriend right, even though the slightly shorter male was just an arm’s width away from him, calmly wrapping a box of the autobot  _ Bumblebee _ as a present for his nephew, it seemed like his brain ceased all of its function together as his heart dropped somewhere in his gut at what Renjun had just said. Jeno was having a hard time processing anything at the moment.

They were at the Huang’s residence. Tinsels, glittery and colorful plastic balls and mini reindeers and Santa Clauses were scattered on the marbled floor of the living room where they were sitting at, an under-decorated Christmas tree stood in the middle.

He thinks he remembered uttering something unintelligent, an incoherent, “ _ Ugnhh _ ???” that was accompanied with wide eyes and slackened jaw as he gave an incredulous stare to Renjun who looked collected.

_ Looked _ being the key word. Jeno knew Renjun like he knew that back of his hand. He could see the slight tinge of rose at tip of his boyfriend’s ear and knew exactly that Renjun was very much flustered about this than he let on.

Finally, Jeno got his bearings and he blinked several times as if that would wake him up from his stupor.

“Did you just proposed to me?” As soon as the words left his mouth, Jeno could physically feel and hear the thundering of his heart in its cage as it kick started its beating again, the gears of his mind speeding a mile a minute. It was like the world started turning after pausing for them.

“You don’t want to get married to me?” Renjun looked up from the present in his hand that he had just finished wrapping, his voice was hinted with hurt, his warm eyes boring into Jeno’s, sending shivers down his spine. There was a slight pout on his lips.

“Baby…” Jeno took a deep breath, standing up. He pulled Renjun from the floor and walked back until the back of his knees hit the couch. He sat there and tugged at Renjun who easily fell into Jeno’s embrace.  “Of course I want to.”

“But?”

“But are you sure?”

“What do you mean?” Renjun looked so confused, his eyebrows were furrowed that Jeno couldn’t help but to softly kiss the frown away from his pretty face.

“I mean, you just said it all of a sudden. Don’t you think we should think this through first?”

Jeno could feel as the other tightened his arms around his waist, Renjun’s eyes reflected the fairy lights as he watched it sparkle and glow around the under-decorated tree. The soft light coming from the Christmas tree enveloped them both like a blanket as the snow slowly fall from the night sky outside.

“I’ve put a lot of thought about it, Jeno. It’s all I could think about even when I’m without you.” Renjun bit his lip and looked up to catch Jeno’s eyes. The candor in his expression stole Jeno’s breath away. “I’m not saying that this… what we already have isn’t binding enough. But marriage is something that I’ve always dreamed to have. And if it’s not with you, then what value is it to me?”

Words got stuck in a lump in Jeno’s throat as he basked in the warm weight of those sincere words. It felt like he was pulled apart and put together in a span of seconds. He was overwhelmed.

In front of him was the boy who accepted all of what Jeno could give, the person who brought out the best in him despite of shouldering his worst, the only one who Jeno could fall in love with more and more each day. His beauty, his flaws- Jeno thought loving Renjun was the easiest thing to do in this world.

But Jeno had to be certain that Renjun knew what he was getting himself into. Jeno’s eyes softened and he tried to hide the sudden palpable sadness that engulfed his heart. He reached out to caress Renjun’s cheek but the other caught his hand in place and tenderly pressed his cheek against Jeno’s heated and calloused palm.

“I don’t deserve you, Renjun.” Jeno simply said.

Renjun turned his head slightly, not breaking where their eyes meet, and gently left a peck on the inside of Jeno’s palm. The place where Renjun’s lips had been tingled, the sensation running through his entire body like a bolt of electric wave.

“You don’t have to. I chose you, Jeno. I think it’s more than just a matter of whether we deserve each other, don’t you think?” 

Renjun gave him a smile but it was wobbly. There was a pang of guilt that rushed through his gut. But when he looked at Renjun’s eyes, Jeno could see the determination in it, the want, the promise and hope of forever.

“I… I’m not rich.”

Renjun shook his head. “I don’t care.”

“I can’t cook.”

“I can handle that for the both of us.”

“I’m not that good looking.”

Renjun snorted and raised a brow at him. “Haven’t you looked in the mirror?”

“I can’t give you the perfect life that you wanted.”

The snark quickly slipped off of Renjun’s face. Jeno tried to keep the insecurity away from his words, but it was difficult because it’s true. They just graduated highschool. He’s literally nothing but a struggling highschool graduate. He didn’t even have the time to think about going to college outside their town. He had a part-time job in a dance studio on the weekends and juggled his day job at the convenience store and his night job on the construction site on the weekdays.

Renjun couldn’t possibly want a permanent failure in his pristine, success oriented and perfectly planned out life.

At that, Renjun sat up to straddle Jeno’s lap. Once he was seated comfortably with Jeno’s hands on his waist to hold him securely in place, Renjun gently cupped Jeno’s face with both of his hands like he was holding something fragile. Then, he spoke slowly, as if he was talking to a child.

“I don’t want a perfect life. I want a life with you, Jeno Lee.” Renjun ended his statement with a delicate kiss on the side of Jeno’s lips and Jeno couldn’t help falling inlove again.

“But we’re just kids. We’re just 18, Renjun.”

“So? I know you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can’t explain it, but I  _ know _ it.”

Jeno’s smile was too big on him, too wide, too much. It felt like he was going to burst into a million sparkles of dust from the bliss he that was feeling in that moment. All because of one Renjun Huang. He buried his face on the ugly Christmas sweater that Renjun had forced them to wear a matching pair of and whined. The other only chuckled in response, grabbing onto Jeno’s shoulders so he wouldn’t fall when the the balance tilted.

“You’re too much, really. You know that, don’t you?” Jeno mumbled.

“Hmm.” Renjun agreed. Then, he leaned down and whispered. “I always get what I want, Jeno.”

Jeno’s breathing faltered and he quickly pulled away like he was burned, hand covering the ear where Renjun’s breath touched. He was certain that his face was doused in cherry. “Hey! No fair! You know how sensitive my ears are.”

Renjun only grinned at him with a glint of mischief in his eyes. “Maybe, if you agree to marry me, I’ll stop doing that.”

Before Jeno could reply anything, they heard a car settled in the driveway and the moment was broken. They knew the sound too well, was forced to be accustomed to recognize it from far away. Immediately, he could see the panic as it painted itself across Renjun’s face before the latter scrambled to get off of Jeno’s lap to plant himself onto the floor again, trying to look busy and casual.

As awful as Jeno suddenly felt, he had to put a presentable front on and fixed his slightly rumpled clothes.

The large front door opened and a couple stumbled inside with snow on their hair, laughing and talking about dinner. The man was in his late forties, his salt and pepper hair was cut into a clean trim and he had keen eyes. He wasn’t that tall, but he was tall enough to compliment the height of the petite woman beside him. The woman resembled Renjun, she was pretty, has a deep set of dark brown eyes and a straight nose.

Renjun’s parents just came back from their Christmas shopping.

“Oh.” Renjun’s mother said softly as soon as she spotted the two, a smile on her face. “You didn’t say that you’d have a friend over, Renjun.”

_ Friend _ . Such a pretty word. But it was sharper than a knife as it sunk itself into Jeno’s entirety.

Renjun and him had been officially going out for three years. All those years, Renjun’s parents only knew Jeno as a friend. He tried not to be hurt by it, because it was the same for him. His mother didn’t know. His absent father definitely couldn’t have known. No one knew about them except for a few close and trusted friends.

To think that Renjun wanted to get married to him, when they both haven’t even told their parents about their relationship yet. Living in a small, religious country town did that to people.

Seeing Renjun’s parents and getting reminded of their situation felt like a hard slap on his face. Suddenly, the glass bubble that they were in was shattered into pieces. Their parents were nice. But Christians will be Christians.

“Jeno’s helping me decorate.” Renjun said right as he stood up to greet his parents.

“Jeno, dear, are you joining us for dinner?” Jeno zoned back into reality when Renjun’s father addressed him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Uh, I wouldn’t want to intrude, Sir.” He looked at Renjun uncertain, but the other only shrugged.

“Nonsense! Have dinner with us. We ordered food. I hoped you eat Thai.” Mrs. Huang dismissed Jeno’s impending refusal and turned to her son. “Go and prepare the table with Jeno. We’ll be right back.” She said before handing the plastic bags of food to Renjun. The couple went upstairs to change.

Dinner went awfully well for the four of them after Renjun’s father had obliged them to close their eyes and bow their heads as he lead the group prayer. In which Renjun felt brazen enough to wrapped his legs around one of Jeno’s under the table with his parents in the same room. When Jeno untangled their legs and felt successful, Renjun placed his hand on the inside of his thigh. It had Jeno stuttering out his  _ Amen _ .

“You’re awful.” Jeno huffed out once they were a block away from Renjun’s house.

“And you liked it.” Renjun lightly bumped his hips on Jeno’s as they walked. “Didn’t see you removing my hand a while ago.”

Jeno was glad he wrapped his muffler as high as his nose because it hid his blush. “It was futile. If I did, your parents would notice.”

“And this is why I keep you around.”

Jeno frowned. “What? For my body?”

“Yes. And more.”

Renjun pulled him behind a huge tree where it was dimly lit and made sure that no one was around to see them before he kissed Jeno’s lips until they were a proper shade of red. Jeno was breathless but he could tell that Renjun was the same.

“Think about it.” Renjun whispered, puffs of smoke coming out of his mouth as the snow fall quietly to the ground. Jeno knew what Renjun meant from the way his eyes gleamed hope and uncertainty as they stare back at him.

“Renjun-”

Renjun cut him off, his eyes turning a little wild. “Let’s get married, Jeno. Let’s escape this town. We have each other, we’re legal now. We can do anything.”

It wasn’t their brightest idea, but it was something they both had wanted to do. Marrying Renjun, leaving the town where they both didn’t feel a sense of belonging to- it just felt right.

But.

“I can’t… I can’t leave, Mom, Renjun.” Jeno swallowed the lump on his throat.

Renjun’s expression hurt Jeno more than he wanted to. He looked like someone had just trampled on his heart. And because of it, the beauty of winter faded into monochrome, a dull sensation settling within him. He didn’t want to hurt Renjun. He wanted so badly to say yes, let’s leave town, let’s get married. But it didn’t feel like it was the right time for it. Jeno hated himself for feeling that way and for causing the pain in Renjun’s eyes.

“Right.” Renjun said after schooling his expression into a calm facade. Right then, the church bells rang in the distance, signalling that the Christmas Eve’s mass was about to start in half an hour. “I have to go. My parents wanted me to sit with them for the mass.”

Renjun stepped back from being pressed against Jeno but Jeno held his hand firmly. He could feel the walls of defenses that Renjun was putting up as the latter avoided his gaze but still, he stayed in Jeno’s grasp not pulling away. He couldn’t find the words to say what he wanted. In the end, he settled for the answer he felt secured the most.

“I’ll think about it.”

Renjun finally looked at Jeno, and even though his eyes were downcast, the slightly shorter male managed to form a smile.

“I believe you.” Renjun said.

As he watched Renjun walk away from him from a distance, Jeno had a feeling that something between them had almost cracked.

\---

Christmas rolled into town as fast as the snow blanketed the pavement. The view outside was a picturesque sight, perfect and worthy of a  _ Hallmark _ postcard. For a moment, Jeno wondered if Renjun was seeing the same beauty this season had brought.

“Jeno...”

As soon as he heard the small voice, Jeno turned away from the window and looked at his Mom who finally woke up from her sleep.

The smell of antiseptic filled his senses, reminding him where he was spending his Christmas at.

“Hey, Mom.” Jeno smiled warmly at the woman on the hospital bed. She had been the one of the most beautiful people Jeno had laid his eyes upon before she fell sick. Though she was still beautiful to Jeno, now she looked withered and weak, her pale face and hollowed cheeks formed a casket of what used to be.

“Have you been waiting for me to wake?” His Mom asked.

“Hmm.” Jeno walked away from the window to sit on the wooden stool near the bed. The woman reached out her bony hand, and he let his mother caress his face. “Not long.”

“Look at you. You’ve grown so much, my angel.”

“You saw me yesterday, Mom.” Jeno said as he peeled a tangerine for the woman.

“Still. It feels like you were just a kid in my arms and now you’re big and handsome.” His mother sighed, watching Jeno with a wistful look in her glassy eyes. “The ladies must be falling all over your feet just to get your attention.”

Jeno’s fingers faltered for a split second but he recovered easily. He let out an empty laugh. “No, Mom. They don’t.”

“Ah, don’t be bashful, my angel. I hear what the nurses and other patients say about you when you’re not here.” She said lightheartedly which made Jeno almost grimace as he glanced up to look at the other patients in the ward who were minding their own business.

Suddenly, the door to opened and the kids of the patient in the next bed barged in with presents for their grandmother.

“Oh, is it Christmas already?” His mother said, completely oblivious that she just saved Jeno from being in an awkward situation.

“Yeah.”

Then, she turned to Jeno with a sorrowful look. “I’m sorry I don’t have a gift for you. Most of the time I can’t keep track of the date or time anymore… Merry Christmas, my angel.”

Jeno’s heart constricted. But he let her see him smile. “Merry Christmas, Mom.”

After his mother ate breakfast and had her medicine, the nurses gave Jeno permission to walk her out in the hospital garden. It wasn’t hard navigating the place, after all, it was like a second home to him now ever since his Mom was admitted a few months. He found it soon enough and pushed his mother’s wheelchair carefully to where the sunlight was.

Jeno sat on the bench beside his mother and watched the woman as she bask serenely in the sunlight.

“I miss this. It’s been so long since I’ve had the chance to be let out.” She said with a crinkle in her eyes. Everyone said she had the same smile as Jeno, and he could see it.

“Luckily, the doctor thought your body can take the strain so they let you.”

“Yeah…” His mother was silent for a moment and it was comfortable between them with only the sound of nature around them. Then, the woman sighed. “I know I’m hopeless, Jeno.”

“Mom, don’t say that.”

“My angel, I can feel it.” She studied Jeno’s expression and he felt exposed like she could see through him, like she could read every secret Jeno has. Suddenly, he wanted to hide.

“You don’t have to be afraid, Jeno. I want you to be happy. And I know this must be late, but I’m sorry, my angel. I’m sorry that my eyes were blinded by my faith. Maybe my disease is my punishment for failing you as your mother. And I accept it wholeheartedly. I love you and I’m sorry that you had to wait this long for me to understand what your happiness is. But please, I only want what’s best for you. I did my best, my angel, to give you what I think was right. But by forcing that, I was already in the wrong. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me someday.”

Jeno was speechless. Emotions swirled inside him, confusion, hopelessness, relief, anger.

He was confused because he didn’t know why his mother had brought this up, memories from the past flashed in his mind, from when he was a bit younger, his cheek bruised and red with a hand print that was a perfect replica of his Mom’s.

He felt hopeless for he couldn’t do anything to stop the onslaught of pain that suddenly struck him. At the same time he felt relief, because finally, his mom could truly understand him.

But after those, he felt anger, because she had no right to bring this up only now when she was about to die.

All those painful words thrown at Jeno when he was younger, the slaps that didn’t physically stung him but they all still felt like a punch in the gut- they were all vivid in his mind even when they all had stopped when the woman in front of him fell into an incurable disease.

Jeno loved his mother because she birthed him and that’s just how family works. But she wasn’t someone who you’d give a  _ World’s Best Mom _ mug to.

Now, she’s seeking for Jeno’s forgiveness because she’s dying. The woman who made his life a living hell was asking for him to play the merciful son. Jeno had almost let out a bitter laugh. 

With all those things considered, the feeling that prevailed at the end was exhaustion. Tired of fighting, of putting up his defenses from everyone else including his own mind. 

“I don’t want to talk about it, Mom.” Jeno said, looking away, seemingly drained out of energy.

“That kid- Renjun, was it?” Jeno froze. His mother continued. “He’s a good kid, Jeno.”

“Don’t.” was all he could reply once he regained his bearings. “Don’t say his name. You didn’t earn that right.”

His mother could only stare at him with sadness and guilt in her eyes. Jeno hoped she was seeing the fury in his own.

“We should head back inside. It’s getting cold for you.” Jeno said with a finality in his tone.

\---

Later that afternoon, Jeno went to the church where he’s supposed to meet Renjun straight from the hospital as per planned. He was unsure if Renjun would even show up  after what happened last night, but Jeno didn’t care. He would wait for Renjun if that’s all he could do.

Mindlessly, Jeno went inside the church and sat on the last pew. It was almost empty saved for a few scattered devotees who were silently praying near the altar.

The church felt like a stranger to him, cold, and indifferent. He hadn’t been here since his Mother fell sick. He thought it didn’t matter after he discovered that his very existence was one of the things this religion shunned. When Jeno looked up and stared at the Man in the crucifix, he wondered if He was welcoming him with opened arms or if He was bowing his head in disapproval.

Jeno wasn’t sure what to do anymore. He felt trapped in this town, shackled to his dying mother.

He was scared of being in church and that alone should have been something that was inconceivable, but here he was in the house of God, feeling despaired and scared.

Someone sat beside Jeno and he didn’t have to look to know that it was who he thought it was. The smell of saccharine frost filled his senses.

“I haven’t seen you here in awhile.” Renjun said, curious. “What are you thinking?”

“I wonder…” Jeno started. “If God truly love all of his creations equally, then why does it feel like He’s not listening to me?” Renjun looked at him with a worried expression. Suddenly, he felt Renjun’s pinky interlaced with his own and he felt at peace being reminded that he wasn’t alone.

“Maybe because He knows how strong you are. He trusts that you could overcome your trials without His help and that’s the best gift He could give to someone.” The slightly shorter male said quietly.

Silence prevailed between them saved for the murmured prayers and shuffling of feet. The inside of the church was hauntingly silent. The shadows created by the natural light seemed like they were hissing at Jeno for stepping foot inside their holy ground.

“Are you mad at me?” Jeno asked after a minute.

“I’m not mad at you. I could never be.”

Jeno exhaled the breath he was holding, feeling relieved. “I’m sorry for last night.”

“Don’t be. It was true. And I shouldn’t have pushed you either.” Renjun cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “It was insensitive and rude of me and I apologize for that.”

“It’s okay. I wanted it too, anyway. But Renjun, the time isn’t right.”

“When do you think is?”

“I won’t pretend to know and I won’t pressure you into waiting for me.” Jeno finally ripped his gaze away from the altar and looked at Renjun. With all the sincerity he could muster up, he said, “I want to keep you happy. If I can’t do even that, then what good am I?”

Jeno knew Renjun understood what he meant when he saw the mirrored look of faith in his eyes.

Fully grabbing Jeno’s hand, Renjun played with each of Jeno’s fingers on his lap. “Merry Christmas, Jeno.”

“Merry Christmas, Renjun.” For the meantime, all Jeno could do was to turn his palm up and interlace his fingers with Renjun’s slender ones.

They both watched their hands as Jeno gave Renjun’s a tender squeeze. He tried to put his thoughts and feelings in that one subtle movement, hoping that the slightly shorter male would understand it. After a moment, Renjun squeezed back, answering Jeno’s silent words.

_ I love you. _

_ I love you, too. _

The sound of murmured prayers continued around them and the church still felt frozen but in that one single moment, nothing mattered in the world but just the two of them.

Eventually, their time will come and when the clock strikes to the right directions that the fates willed them to, Jeno would make sure to seize it with both of his hands.

\---

**Author's Note:**

> i love the song (where i got the title of this series from) so much and i wanted to write something to it. i wrote this without a prior plot in mind since i intended for it to be a slice of life series of jenren domestic fluff but haha it turned out like this.
> 
> anyway i hope its okay and i wanted to write more from this verse from time to time. let me know what you think :D.


End file.
